A Year Later

Bella's first birthday is almost here, and lately I've been thinking about what was happening at this time a year ago, but apparently I have blocked a lot of it out. Everyone says that's Mother Nature's way of encouraging further procreation, and I think she had a good idea. It just doesn't seem like it could have been me who spent those awful nights in the hospital with early labor, had those long stressful days on bedrest trying to will contractions away, and endured the painful and emotional days after birth. They seem more like scenes from a movie, not scenes from my life. One of my friends is at 35 weeks right now, almost exactly where I was at this time last year, and is going through the whole early labor nightmare I went through... Another friend just had a baby girl at only 31 weeks because of preeclampsia. I don't know why pregnancy and birth have to be so difficult, but I do know that we are unbelievably fortunate to live in a time and place where good health care saves many of the women and babies who would not have been so lucky without it. Even so, it's hard to imagine going through all of that again anytime soon...

But babies are the best, and I feel incredibly lucky to have Bella in my life. And I have to say that it's funny how much changes when you become a parent. You finally get to find out what other parents mean when they try to describe the indescribable-- how much they love their children. You get to laugh every day at your own little creation. You find that regurgitated food is not in the least bit disgusting when it spews out of your own little creation, and even stinky breath doesn't really stink when it's your sweet little baby's breath. I love watching all the exciting little triumphs Bella makes each day, and to me they are more exciting than anything else I was doing before Bella was born. It's funny to think that something as simple as curling up with Stephen and Bella to read her a story before bed is often my favorite part of the day, and that many of the things that mattered before Bella was born don't matter at all now.

It's unbelievable that Bella is already practically a year old. I feel like we are finally getting into a productive groove, on a daily basis, and I can't believe that it has taken this long to do that. Little by little, I'm finding ways to get more and more things done while I'm watching Bella, and I feel like I'm finally starting to climb back on top of things again. I don't expect to ever be completely back on top of things like I used to be before Bella, and that's okay. One of the most important lessons I've learned as a mom is to learn to let go and to accept that being halfway up that mountain is okay-- no need to be on top of it anymore. I feel no pressure whatsoever to be Supermom (many thanks for that to the honest and supportive group of mom friends I have). Simply maintaining sanity is good enough for me right now. Maintaining sanity is a real accomplishment, actually, and it feels pretty fabulous whenever it happens.

I have finally started exercising again on most days, and that feels fabulous, too. Doing yoga and pilates while a baby is crawling all over and under me is a new experience. It's absolutely NOT the peaceful, pristine environment you're supposed to have while practicing, but so what?! It still gets the job done, and it works the abs with the extra laughs I get from watching Bella gleefully prop up on me (like I need the extra resistance) and crawl through my downward dog.

(Letting go= happiness. I repeat: Letting go= happiness.)



Yes, she is totally worth it. Worth the sleepless nights, the shrill cries, the soon-to-be sagging boobs, the monstrous surgical scar, the loss of extra income, privacy, personal time, and brainpower. That sounds like an awful lot to give up, but it's nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the happiness and the immeasurable amount of love that this sweet soul brings into our lives each and every day.